“We shouldn’t have to choose which bad behavior we’re permitted to condemn. And we shouldn’t be demanding everyone remain frozen in grief indefinitely to prove that they care.”
By TAMMY BELANGER | Gazette Columnist
Somewhere along the way, we seem to have decided that every reaction to every event has to come with a disclaimer.
If I am disgusted by one thing, apparently, I can’t also be disgusted by another. If I express sadness over one tragedy, somehow that means I don’t care enough about another.
And if I laugh, celebrate, go to work, attend a child’s sporting event, take photographs, have dinner with friends, or simply enjoy an ordinary day after something terrible has happened, someone may decide that means I don’t care.
That’s not how human beings work.
We are capable of holding more than one emotion—and more than one truth—at the same time.
A man lost his life in Biddeford in a shooting involving federal law enforcement. That is an incredibly serious event, and there are people grieving a loss that cannot be undone.
There are also legitimate questions surrounding what happened, and an investigation into the shooting is ongoing. I can be saddened and disturbed by that.
I can also look at someone vandalizing the doors of Senator Susan Collins’ Biddeford office and say that is disgusting and wrong. Those two thoughts do not contradict each other.
Condemning vandalism doesn’t mean I suddenly care less about a man who lost his life. Being deeply troubled by a fatal shooting doesn’t mean I have to shrug my shoulders when someone’s property is vandalized because I disagree with that person’s politics.
. . .
We shouldn’t have to choose which bad behavior we’re permitted to condemn. And perhaps even more importantly, we shouldn’t be demanding that everyone remain frozen in grief indefinitely to prove that they care.
Life doesn’t stop when tragedy happens. That may sound harsh, but it is one of the hardest realities of being human.
Every single day, somewhere in the world, someone’s life has just been shattered. Someone has lost a spouse. Someone has buried a child. Someone has received terrible news. Someone has been the victim of violence. Someone’s home has burned down. Someone has experienced something that will divide their life forever into “before” and “after.”
And at the very same moment, somewhere else, a baby is being born. A couple is getting married. Someone is celebrating a birthday. A kid is scoring the winning goal. Someone is laughing until they cry. Both realities exist at the same time.
Here in Biddeford, people still have to get up in the morning. They still have jobs to go to, children and grandchildren to care for, bills to pay, dogs to walk, appointments to keep and lives to live. That doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Continuing to live your life is not disrespectful to someone else’s grief. And feeling happiness about something good happening in your own life doesn’t erase your compassion for someone experiencing something terrible in theirs.
We are complicated creatures. We can be angry and grateful. Heartbroken and hopeful. Disgusted and happy. We can condemn something done by someone whose politics we generally support, and we can defend someone we politically disagree with when they are treated wrongly. In fact, I think we desperately need more of that.
“Continuing to live your
life is not disrespectful
to someone else’s grief.”
I long for the days when people could disagree and still have compassion for one another. When having a different political opinion didn’t automatically make someone your enemy. When we could sit across from someone, disagree completely with what they believed, and still recognize that there was a human being sitting on the other side of the table.
I miss the days when compassion wasn’t dependent on whether someone voted the way we did, worshipped the way we did, looked like us, came from the same place we did, or saw the world through the same political lens. We don’t have to agree with someone to care about what happens to them. We don’t have to like someone to recognize their humanity.
And we shouldn’t have to check someone’s political affiliation before deciding whether they deserve our compassion.
Somewhere along the way, it feels like we have lost some of that. Politics and social media have made it far too easy to reduce people to labels instead of seeing them as neighbors, friends, coworkers, parents, grandparents and members of the same community.
I would love to see us find our way back. Back to disagreeing without hating. Back to debating without dehumanizing. Back to condemning something because it is wrong—not because of which political team committed it or who the victim happens to be.
“I don’t have to spend
every waking moment
focused on tragedy
in order to prove
that I have empathy.”
Compassion shouldn’t be a limited resource. Caring about one person doesn’t require us to stop caring about someone else.
I don’t have to agree with Senator Collins politically to say vandalizing her office is wrong. I don’t have to agree with someone’s immigration status, political beliefs, religion or anything else about them to recognize the value of their life.
And I don’t have to spend every waking moment focused on tragedy in order to prove that I have empathy. Maybe we need to give each other a little more room to simply be human.
Be angry when something makes you angry. Be sad when something breaks your heart.
Speak up when you believe something is wrong—even when the person on the receiving end isn’t someone you particularly agree with.
And when something good happens, allow yourself to be happy about that too.
One feeling does not cancel out another.
One tragedy does not make every other wrong irrelevant, and one moment of happiness does not erase compassion for someone else’s pain.
Sometimes being human means carrying all of it at once. And maybe being a better human means remembering that the people we disagree with are carrying things, too.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR | Tammy Belanger is a regular columnist for the Biddeford Gazette, covering City Hall and other public policy issues impacting the city. She is a longtime Biddeford resident, small business owner, photographer and dog lover. “I am a wife and a mother of three adults who were raised here. I care deeply about our community, and the people who live here,” she says.
.
The views expressed here are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the Biddeford Gazette, its staff, affiliates or sponsors. We encourage robust and diverse community conversations on topics related to the city of Biddeford. To submit your own letter or column, please CONTACT US
.
STAY CONNECTED | SUBSCRIBE FOR FREE TODAY
.
BIDDEFORD GAZETTE
“Keeping You Connected to Biddeford”
Editorial Standards & Policies
© 2026 Biddeford Gazette, Inc. All Rights Reserved
